When I Grow Up…?

I have been going around reading blogs today. Decided I would write one.  Not sure what it will be about, we’ll see.  I am in a weird mood lately. I had been stressing about taking my college placement test. I haven’t been in school for about, hmmm, I graduated in 2003 then took a year of online college courses, which I was to lazy to complete so I wouldn’t really count…so it’s been about 5-6 years. A long enough time to get out of the studying habit.

To be honest I never really studied. Sure if I had a history test I would memorize everything the day before, but is that really studying? When it came to school either I understood what I was learning and just knew it…or I didn’t.  If I didn’t understand something, I would just memorize it, keep it in my head for as long as I needed it, then it was just gone.  I never asked questions or even talked in high school.

Not sure where I was going with that. I took my COMPASS test yesterday and got the following scores out of 100:

Algebra: 94

Pre-algebra: 92

Writing: 84

Reading: 99

Damn, I want to be a writer and that was my lowest score. I tested out of over a year of classes! (W00t!) I will be able to start at the intermediate level with all courses if I chose to do so and I could even skip to the advanced in some. AWESOME! Ok ok, I am kinda bragging, heh.

I do not think of myself as ’smart’ at all. I read so much stuff I do not understand. I talk to people I don’t understand. I read blogs I don’t understand. It seems like everyone else understands,  just not me. So getting high scores really did surprise me. I was proud of myself, I do not think I have ever been proud of myself before. It is a weird feeling.

You know when you are young and you think, “I want to be a _____ when I grow up.”  You have so many possibilities, then somehow time goes by and  all those possibilities just disappear and you are working at some job just to pay the bills. It’s not what you wanted to do but it is not a bad job really.  You start to talk yourself out of reaching your dreams…”Sure I am not an astronaut, but that was never realistic to begin with.” … and then you just accept what you have. You’re comfortable, you may even be happy, but every now and then you still wonder “What if…” I know first hand what it is like to live like that. The days just go by one after another, not really changing much. Weeks, months, and before you know it is years…

Now that I know I am going back to college I am back to that “I want to be a ____ when I grow up” stage. I have so many possibilities, a ton of “What ifs?”. With my test scores I can take any class I want to. What I learn now  is what I will be doing for the rest of my life….I just hope I make the right choice.

What did you want to be when you grew up? …is that what you are doing now?

Dagger in a DRESS!

Just kidding…

I feel like writing but I do not know about what so I will just type and see what happens.

A lot has been happening lately, a lot of good and a lot of bad. Ever since people found I have been moving, they have wanted to hang out with me. Where were they for the past 10 years I have lived here? I mean, why did they all wait until I decided I was going to move to finally accept me? Not that it changes anything, I am just confused by it.

Work has been back and forth. I have become somewhat of a slacker. I get my work done really really fast….then go in the garage and text, LOL. I have that “You can’t fire me cause I quit” attitude about the place now and I just don’t care. It is kinda nice. My boss actually came up to me and said, “You look like you have a case of the Fuck Its.” and I told her I did. She just laughed it off and said, “Me too.” then walked away. There are about 3 people in the office who have regular cases of the Fuck Its: Me, My Boss, and One of the Clerical Coordinators. We all just sorta eat candy and text all day. We get our work done, but it is not exactly our top priority.

These past four days have been an emotional roller coaster. I won’t bore anyone with the details. I have just always had this ‘problem’ I dealt with my whole life. I dealt with it so much I just thought it was normal. I would get hit with the ‘problem’, it would run it course and then it would be over. The ‘problem’ would get it way every time. This time the ‘problem’ did not get it’s way.  In a way I feel liberated from the ‘problem’ but I also want to still help the ‘problem.’ Not because I am caving.

You see the ‘problem’ has never been put in the situation where it didn’t get what it wanted. Now that it has been put in that situation I feel like I have a little power. If the ‘problem’ wants my help then it is going to have to do what I say, my terms. I like that. The ‘problem’ WILL NOT like that. It may not like it so much that it will turn down my offer to help, therefore cannot blame me for anything. I know nothing is my fault, but now the ‘problem’ would have to admit it as well. If the ‘problem’ accepts the terms and my help, then it would be completely eating it’s words. I really like that. Once again gives me this feeling of power over the ‘problem’. I would not be caving in, I would be putting the ‘problem’ in a very tough position and either way it is win win for me. That is just, well it puts a smile on my face.

I would have never stood up to the ‘problem’ if I didn’t have the friends I have back me up. I have never had that and it is just a great feeling, knowing that whatever happens they will still be there. Thanks.