Ok so that title is a work in progress…but if I ever write that book this is going to be going in it.
The local radio station has a program called “Tradio.” During this program people call in to buy, sell and trade their items. I listen to it while at work sometimes. Once a guy called in that wanted to buy a pet llama…so sometimes it can be interesting. Today was one of those interesting days.
An elderly lady called and said she was looking for someone to come remove a snake from her basement. Now, I do not know why anyone would call and ask a radio station for help in getting rid of a snake…but whatever, this is Iowa…so yeah…
I thought about helping her. David, my snake, is lonely and needs a buddy now that Fatalis died. So I figured I would just go get this snake, if it was another garter snake then David would have a new BFF!
I called the radio station to get the lady’s info, since I missed it before. One of my co-workers, Sarah, heard me calling. Soon the whole office knew I was going to go “Save the old lady!”
Sarah decided I should not go alone. I was kinda happy, because the thought of going into a strangers house all by myself was a little scary. I went to her office to call Alice, the lady with the snake in her basement.
Alice picked up the phone and instantly I decided she was a very cranky lady. I told her I was calling about her call to the radio station for help. She asked if I was going to come all by myself, because it was going to take more then one person. When I said I was going to bring someone else she told me to make sure I brought some…sticks. LOL!
I told her I would bring something, but that I had a pet snake so I was not afraid of it. We ended the call, I felt guilty cause I could not stop giggling about the way she said “Make sure you bring sticks!”
After work Sarah and I stopped by her house to get supplies for snake catching. I didn’t understand why we needed supplies, I had grabbed a yard stick from work. We got some supplies, a broom handle and some rubber gloves…don’t ask. Right before we were about to leave Sarah handed me a HUGE, extremely sharp kitchen knife. HOLY BALLS! She told me to put it in my bag. WTF!?
She then proceeded to tell me that she was scared. Not of the snake, but of Alice. She thought there was a chance ‘Alice’ was fake and just wanted to get us in her basement to kill us or something. Sarah told me to make sure I make a comment about leaving my phone in the car on accident, so if we did get trapped Alice wouldn’t think I had a phone on me. Sarah went on and on about how the basement would be plated in metal and we would get no phone signal so it wouldn’t really matter. Then she came up with the idea that ‘Alice’ was really a guy using a voice box. She had all these theories…let’s just say I was glad she handed me the knife to put in MY bag. Sarah was being paranoid.
However, her paranoia freaked me out a little bit too. What the hell was I doing going into someones house to catch a snake? What if ‘Alice’ was fake and we would get down into the basement and have a ‘Psycho’ movie moment. EEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!
We drove by the house twice before we decided to go in. Her yard was covered in lawn ornaments, Uncle Sam, Dogs, Rabbits, Gnomes, one of those crystal balls, fountains, everything. I instantly thought it could be going for the “Let’s trick people into thinking that an old lady lives here and then get them to come in and then skin them alive” look.
We knocked on the door. My bag on my shoulder and a yard stick in my hand. Sarah had the broom handle. A surprisingly cheerful elderly lady answered the door. “Jenna, don’t be fooled! It could be a skin suit!” LOL! Ok I didn’t really think that, but awesome. Sarah then said something that completely surprised me.
”HEY! Alice! I think I know you! Did you used to go camping up at the lakes? You had white dogs…” Apparently when Sarah was a kid she used to go camping with Alice and her husband. Wow. So then I probably don’t need this huge knife in my bag….do I?
I went down to the basement while Sarah and Alice caught up with each other. Sheesh, what were the chances of them knowing each other!? Alice came down and showed me where the snake was…or where she thought it was. She explained that it had come into her basement over a year ago when the basement window was broken by hail. The snake never went on the ground, it was always up in the ceiling, or on top of the air vents making dust fall all over her white freezer.
“Oh crap” I thought. I was expecting the snake to be on the floor somewhere, not above me. I got the flashlight and stood on the freezer, looking around for the snake. I did not see a single trace of it. I did notice some sticky trays though.
“Alice, why do you have all these sticky trays up here?” I asked.
“To catch the snake. I put peanut butter on some of them and some of them have crackers on them.” Alice said.
I just about lost my balance. Who tries to catch a snake with PEANUT BUTTER and CRACKERS!? I was trying to hide a giggle but not doing it very well. I got off the freezer to ask Alice some questions. She just kept saying “Sorry” and “My dogs are so scared of it, it goes for their water…”
I told Alice that there was not much Sarah and I could do. There was a chance that the snake was in the walls, or the air vent. Heck it could be any where. She insisted that it was not in the walls or the vents…for some reason that annoyed me. I told her she could try sticking a little thing of water on the sticky trays, that might get the snake. She just said, “No.” …I got more annoyed.
I asked her what the snake looked like. She said it was black with a yellow stripe. So it was a garter snake! I told her her best bet would be to get an earth worm and put it on a sticky tray. Heck it would not even have to be a whole earth worm just a tiny piece. If she did that she would have the snake in less then an hour. She just said, “No.”
GAHHHHHHHH! So you want me to just magically teleport it into my hand!? I was so annoyed. I wanted to help her get the snake, but she didn’t want to listen! I climbed up on the freezer again. This time Sarah had the flashlight and was shining it around for me. Then Sarah said, in a voice I have never heard her use, “Jenna, don’t look behind you. Get down, get down, get down!”
I was happy! “Woohoo it must be the snake!” Why the heck would I get down!? I thought there was no way in hell we would catch it and from the sounds of it, it was right behind me! I turned around. HOLY BIG ASS MOTHER FUCKING SPIDER! I wanted to cry and scream at the same time. There was a spider the size of, hmmm, you know keyless car entry things with the lock, unlock, trunk, and where the hell did I park my car buttons? That was the size of the spider. I hate spiders and here in this strangers house I could not run for my shampoo, kitchen cleaner, dish soap, bleach, lighter fluid, hair spray and other spider killing supplies.
I jumped off the freezer and said I was done. There was no way we could catch the snake. I just wanted away from the spider. Alice then said she was sorry again. I told her we were sorry we could not help her and repeated some of my advice from before…which she once again shrugged off. Then she asked us to replace her basement storm windows. WTF!?
“Ummm, ok…” we both said.
We replaced her windows in about 15 mins and then we were on our way. I wonder if that is all she wanted to begin with…?
